Are You There, Mom?

As my kids get older, I find myself pushing them farther and farther towards the edge of the nest.  Eventually, I'll touch them with my finger, and off they'll go...not to tumble downward, flapping their wings helplessly for me to pick them up again, but instead to soar to amazing heights.  I often ask myself, "For what other purpose do I feed and clothe them, teach them and train them?"  Surely, it's not simply to keep them alive.  No, it's to send them on their way!  Of course, that's my hope.  

Even at the ages they are now, they crave the independence.  "Mommy, let me do it!" my four year old cries as she brushes her teeth and clips a bow into her waves of curly hair. 

"I want to stay home by myself!", my 10-year remarks as I pack everyone in the car for the dreaded weekly trip to the grocery store. 

"Don't walk me to the bus stop!", my middle schooler laments.  Never mind that it's raining, and that I was going to hold the umbrella for her until she got on the bus.

I've come to realize that I may not have to push them out of the nest at all.  They are the ones giving me the boot! 

And yet as much as they want to hold me at arms-length, there is something in them that also wants to make sure I'm still there. 

I'm reminded of this inner turmoil when we are at the park. 

"Watch me, Mommy!", Cari Jill says as she runs to the tallest slide. 

"Did you see that pass?", Aaron asks as he tumbles to the ground with his football. 

"I'll be climbing that tree over there.  Where are you going to be?", Gavin mumbles as he runs away with a pack of friends.

I'm not going anywhere.

A month ago, I chaperoned the Middle School holiday dance.  Of course, I was spying, but I tried to be respectful of my 12-year old.  I acted as cool and aloof as humanly possible, talking only to my friends and just barely peeking at Christiana over my own half-full glass of punch.  In fact, I had no intention of speaking to her at all.  Yet, every half hour or so, there she was, making her way over to where I was standing. 

"Did you see that dress, Mom?" 
"Are you having fun, Mom?"

Really?  She wanted to know if I was having fun?

My children want to know that I'm paying attention, that I've got their back, that I'll protect them, cheer for them, and congratulate them.  They may say they want to do it "all by themselves," as well as assert their independence in other not so subtle ways.  But they'll always be back.  Drawn to me like a magnet to metal, they're always close. 

I, too, want to be assured that someone cares for me, is watching out for me, and loves me unconditionally.

Are you there, God?  It's me...Chantel. 

"Hey, God, I'm going to do this thing my way...but I hope you're there; I hope you're watching.  I hope you'll save me if I fall down.  And God, I really hope you'll bless me even if I do the wrong thing."

Like the Psalmist (like our children), we say, "O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me.  Hear my voice when I call to you" (Psalm 141:1).

I want to do it all by myself, and I also want the strength of God.  I want both.  I need both.

Psalm 139:7-10
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

Thank God. 

Thank God for those verses as well as the promise of Psalm 73:23-24:  Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.

Thank God, that even though one day my children may leave my home for good, they won't be far from God.  So now, when I clasp their tiny hands and look into their eyes, I hope they see God's reflection in mine.  I hope that even though they push me away, I'll take advantage of all those little moments that I unexpectedly get back--moments when they come running into my arms--happy or hurt or excited or angry--I want them to see God in me and know that like him, yes, I'm still here.  As he guides me with his counsel, so as their parent, I am instructed to do the same for them.

I'm still here.