I just realized how old I am. I'm 36. I have aged more in the last three years than I ever even thought possible. It sort of feels like the way my mind responded when I was pregnant. One day I discovered I was pregnant and thought to myself, "Wow. I look pretty good. I'm not going to be one of those women whose dresses begin to look like a tent full of balloons." Then, one morning I woke up to find that indeed, I was that woman. Four times that happened, and four times I was completely blindsided by the realization.
This morning, I was at home with my younger daughter, and we were playing with my iPhone camera. Since this particular device also has the option of turning 180 degrees, so that a person can take a picture of herself while holding the camera I thought it would be fun to upload a new Facebook profile picture. Shock and awe are the two words I would use to describe my reaction when I saw the photograph I took. Fine lines and puffiness around my eyes and deep lines across my forehead. When did this happen? My only guess is that while I was being blindsided by the tolls four pregnancies were taking on my body, the stress of raising the fruits of that labor was taking its toll on my face.
I consistently use sunscreen and anti-aging creams on my face. All of my life I've prided myself on my young-looking skin. People used to be amazed when I told them how old I was, often commenting on how young I looked. Now, when I tell people my age, no one bats an eye. People say things like, "You look tired" when they actually mean, "You look old." I want to grow old gracefully, knowing that "the Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). I know this is true, and yet I find myself pulling my face taut and imagining that gravity doesn't impose the cumulative property of time I know all too well.
Apparently, for the last three years I have methodically gone through both a morning and an evening routine without ever really looking at myself. Standing too far from the bathroom mirror and dim lighting have done much to feed my ego...until today. My prayer is that even now as my youth is fading and the lines and signs of wisdom and experience make their presence known, I will feel that my values and the strength of my character far outweigh the shallowness of my exterior. Believe me, I want to look young, but you couldn't pay me enough money to go back in time. Not for a second, do I regret the circumstances that have shaped the story of my life. Because we all have a desire to be known, I guess that also means that if I try to cover up, alter, or otherwise change the landscape of my countenance, I am hiding something that altogether belongs to me, that has made me the person I am today.
Coco Chanel famously said, "Nature gives you the face you have at 20. Life shapes the face you have at 30. But at 50, you get the face you deserve." I still have some years to go before I'm 50, and so I keep on going, knowing that the choices I make as well as the reactions I have to the choices that are made for me will make their impression, not just on my soul but also on my face. Doing this is a difficult thing, which is why I'm writing about it. To embrace these advancing years is a deliberate act of the will. And so, maybe on my next birthday, I'll add ten years to my real age just so I can hear someone say one more time, "Really? You've got to be kidding because you sure don't look it!"
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
What Every Room Needs
Right now, I'm sitting by myself in a quiet house. I'm at the desk in my kitchen, typing away on my laptop. I could just as easily move this computer to the living room or my bedroom and feel just as comfortable. I recently noticed that every room in my house has two things in common. I think I did this unconsciously, but now that my mind's eye has turned its attention to it, I can't help but dwell on this common theme. Not surprisingly, it has become a common theme in these blog posts, as well.
The two things? A clock and a mirror. Every single room has them. Why? I don't know. I like to look at myself, and I don't want to be late? Maybe. When I placed them there, it was simply because I like the extra light a mirror brings to a room and the tick-tock of a well-placed clock just says "Welcome Home" to me. But maybe it's more than that.
Maybe God wants me to think of him when I saunter through the rooms in my house. After all, Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." I love that. I was made in the image of God, so every time I look at myself, what I see needs to represent the one who made me. I know several people, who, when I look at them, I honestly feel like I am gazing upon the very face of Jesus. The Bible is clear that even "as water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man". (Proverbs 27:19) These people possess a countenance that is so peaceful and their words are so full of joy, that without them ever even saying it, I know that they are Christians. This is how I know it: "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit". (2 Corinthians 3:18) I may not be able to see my heart in my mirror, but it daily reminds me of the importance of what my life reflects.
The clock, too, is a reminder of what my life reflects. How am I using these precious days I've been given to bring glory to God? I actually took a week-long break from writing this post, and in that time, our family switched from cable to satellite TV. This new electronic equipment has no clock attached to its face, so alas the first paragraph I wrote is a complete lie. You wouldn't believe how this lack of a prominent timepiece has unnerved our family. The kids claim they don't know what time they're supposed to go to bed, and I am suddenly aware of how many times a day I absent-mindedly glance at one of the many clocks in our home. I need to know how much time I have left. And not knowing how much time I have left has caused more than a little bit of anxiousness. If only I could be like Hosea, "Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. "--Hosea 10:12 (emphasis mine).
Time to seek the Lord--that's a sobering thought. So often I set aside time to seek the Lord...when I have time. How backwards is that? I sit here in my comfortable house and wonder to myself, "how much time before the kids get home from school?" Then, it's "How much time before I have to start dinner"? And finally, "How much time before the kids go to bed and I can steal a few minutes for myself"? Becoming more intentional about writing this blog has actually helped me to become more intentional about life in general. The fact that I have free time at all is a gift I should not take for granted. Today, I pray that I will use this gift to seek the Lord, not only because of what I think I will find, but also because of what I know I will begin to see in the mirror.
The two things? A clock and a mirror. Every single room has them. Why? I don't know. I like to look at myself, and I don't want to be late? Maybe. When I placed them there, it was simply because I like the extra light a mirror brings to a room and the tick-tock of a well-placed clock just says "Welcome Home" to me. But maybe it's more than that.
Maybe God wants me to think of him when I saunter through the rooms in my house. After all, Genesis 1:27 says, "So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them." I love that. I was made in the image of God, so every time I look at myself, what I see needs to represent the one who made me. I know several people, who, when I look at them, I honestly feel like I am gazing upon the very face of Jesus. The Bible is clear that even "as water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man". (Proverbs 27:19) These people possess a countenance that is so peaceful and their words are so full of joy, that without them ever even saying it, I know that they are Christians. This is how I know it: "And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit". (2 Corinthians 3:18) I may not be able to see my heart in my mirror, but it daily reminds me of the importance of what my life reflects.
The clock, too, is a reminder of what my life reflects. How am I using these precious days I've been given to bring glory to God? I actually took a week-long break from writing this post, and in that time, our family switched from cable to satellite TV. This new electronic equipment has no clock attached to its face, so alas the first paragraph I wrote is a complete lie. You wouldn't believe how this lack of a prominent timepiece has unnerved our family. The kids claim they don't know what time they're supposed to go to bed, and I am suddenly aware of how many times a day I absent-mindedly glance at one of the many clocks in our home. I need to know how much time I have left. And not knowing how much time I have left has caused more than a little bit of anxiousness. If only I could be like Hosea, "Sow for yourselves righteousness, reap the fruit of unfailing love, and break up your unplowed ground; for it is time to seek the Lord, until he comes and showers righteousness on you. "--Hosea 10:12 (emphasis mine).
Time to seek the Lord--that's a sobering thought. So often I set aside time to seek the Lord...when I have time. How backwards is that? I sit here in my comfortable house and wonder to myself, "how much time before the kids get home from school?" Then, it's "How much time before I have to start dinner"? And finally, "How much time before the kids go to bed and I can steal a few minutes for myself"? Becoming more intentional about writing this blog has actually helped me to become more intentional about life in general. The fact that I have free time at all is a gift I should not take for granted. Today, I pray that I will use this gift to seek the Lord, not only because of what I think I will find, but also because of what I know I will begin to see in the mirror.
Monday, February 14, 2011
Too Many Kisses
TOO MANY KISSES
It was getting close to bedtime and the baby girl, who really was a big girl now, gave Mommy and Daddy one little kiss before she ran off to play a few minutes more.
Mommy and Daddy were talking in the living room. They were just saying that it was almost time for someone to go to bed. Before they finished the sentence, the little girl was back…for one more kiss. Mommy and Daddy looked at each other and smiled.
Their baby girl had kissed them and run to play.
It wasn’t long before she was walking tiptoe across the room again. She looked at Mommy with her big brown eyes. Then she ran to her and kissed her right on the lips.
“That’s too many kisses”, Mommy said. But already, the girl was off, playing with her dolls and paying no more attention to Mommy.
In another minute, she was standing in the living room again. This time, she said, “Are you good, Daddy?”
“I’m good,” he said, and smiled at his baby girl. “Do you need a kiss, Daddy?”
“Yes, baby, I love kisses.” She gave him a quick hug and pecked his cheek. Again, she ran off, for it was very close to bedtime, and she did NOT want to go to bed.
“Love…”, Mommy said. “I think it’s time for bed.”
Very quickly she was with them again. She gave her mommy a little kiss, and she gave her daddy a little kiss.
“That’s too many kisses,” Daddy said. “It’s time for bed.”
She didn’t hear him. She was already in another room, playing quiet as a mouse.
But before long, Mommy and Daddy saw their baby girl standing in the doorway. She had more kisses to give! This time, she kissed mommy TWO times! Then she kissed Daddy TWO times! Everybody laughed.
“My goodness,” Mommy said. “That’s too many kisses. I think it’s time for bed.”
The little girl just smiled her sweet little smile. She ran away.
Soon she was back, though. “I need to give you a kiss, Daddy. I need to give you a kiss, Mommy.”
“No”, they said together. They were being so patient. “You NEED to go to bed!”, Daddy said.
“Kisses!” she yelled. “Kisses!” And she kissed them each again.
“Love, that’s too many kisses. It’s time for bed.”
Her mommy picked her up, but she wriggled free. She ran to her Daddy, jumped in his lap, and squeezed his neck tightly. “One more,” she said. “Just one more kiss.” Daddy smiled and held her close. He carried to bed, and when he had tucked her in, he gave her hundreds of little kisses. Mommy came, too. She kissed her and kissed her until she laughed and laughed.
“That’s TOO many kisses, Daddy. That’s too many kisses, Mommy”
“There’s no such thing as too many kisses,” Daddy said.
And so she kissed them both one more time before she closed her eyes and finally went to sleep.
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