My Recurring Dream

My bed is my refuge.  I love crawling between the cool sheets in the darkness of night, laying my head on my favorite pillow and drifting silently into dreamland.  But my nightly dreams aren't always of the sweet variety.

I have a recurring dream.  It's unlike other dreams of which I am familiar.  I don't dream about public speaking in my underwear or missing important tests.  Rarely, do I dream of being chased, falling, or losing my teeth.  Maybe my dream isn't all that unique, but I have it so regularly now that I do feel lit belongs to me particularly.   It's a vision that has evolved as the years have passed, and I am desperately trying to figure out what it means.

In the dream, an animal approaches me and puts his teeth on my hand.  He doesn't clamp down, but just barely touches his teeth to the skin of my hand.  I am paralyzed with fear.  I'm afraid to jerk away because the animal might clamp down even harder.  I remain rooted to the spot, unable to move, unable to scream.  The animal varies, but this scene is the same.  At first, my animal tormentor  was a bear,  then a hyena, a wolf, and, because the animal's size has been trending downward, eventually a dog.  I have been having this dream for years, and most recently, the animal was only a tiny chipmunk.  In spite of my sub-conscious recognizing the situation, my instincts prevailed, and I flung the animal across the room.  Only this time, he attacked me more ferociously, more tenaciously.  Try as I might, I could not shake him away the second time.

Whatever it is that has its hold on me is getting smaller, yet, the grasp remains firm.  I wonder if it's a fear I need to overcome?  Maybe it's a sin of which I need to repent.   I don't know.  The funny thing is that if I do determine what it is that has me in his jaws, I almost fear the dream will go away.  Ironic.  Truly, it is a nightmare, and yet it is so familiar to me that if I never have the dream again, I think I might miss it.

I John 4:18-19--"There is no fear in love.  But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment.  The one who fears is not made perfect in love.  We love because he first loved us."

When I read this verse, I felt a little disturbed.  Fear and love.  I never put the two together before now.  Maybe it's not something I fear that is causing the dream.  Maybe instead it's something I don't love.  Don't love?   I am a Christian.  I am supposed to love everyone and everything.  And yet I fear that perhaps there is something or someone I don't. Today, I pray that God will reveal his truth to me in the light so that what haunts me in the night will no longer have power over me.

Thinking about this now, I realize that that's the way it is with sin, too.  I've met so many people who are afraid to come to Christ, because for them it means giving up something that is familiar to them--maybe something big like excessive drinking or gambling.  But sometimes, giving up something small like a TV show that isn't helpful can be just as difficult.  We fear the sacrifice because we think we're being punished, even though the reward is amazing.  I love that this verse in I John holds a promise--"Perfect love drives out fear".  Jesus Christ is perfect love, and because he fills us, there is no room for fear.  Fear and love.  Opposites.  Antagonists.  Us against God.  He loved me first.  I can give in, give up, or give it my all.  If this evening I experience another episode of Night of the Killer Chipmunks, at least I have some scriptural ammunition to use in my counter-attack.