Are You There, Mom?

As my kids get older, I find myself pushing them farther and farther towards the edge of the nest.  Eventually, I'll touch them with my finger, and off they'll go...not to tumble downward, flapping their wings helplessly for me to pick them up again, but instead to soar to amazing heights.  I often ask myself, "For what other purpose do I feed and clothe them, teach them and train them?"  Surely, it's not simply to keep them alive.  No, it's to send them on their way!  Of course, that's my hope.  

Even at the ages they are now, they crave the independence.  "Mommy, let me do it!" my four year old cries as she brushes her teeth and clips a bow into her waves of curly hair. 

"I want to stay home by myself!", my 10-year remarks as I pack everyone in the car for the dreaded weekly trip to the grocery store. 

"Don't walk me to the bus stop!", my middle schooler laments.  Never mind that it's raining, and that I was going to hold the umbrella for her until she got on the bus.

I've come to realize that I may not have to push them out of the nest at all.  They are the ones giving me the boot! 

And yet as much as they want to hold me at arms-length, there is something in them that also wants to make sure I'm still there. 

I'm reminded of this inner turmoil when we are at the park. 

"Watch me, Mommy!", Cari Jill says as she runs to the tallest slide. 

"Did you see that pass?", Aaron asks as he tumbles to the ground with his football. 

"I'll be climbing that tree over there.  Where are you going to be?", Gavin mumbles as he runs away with a pack of friends.

I'm not going anywhere.

A month ago, I chaperoned the Middle School holiday dance.  Of course, I was spying, but I tried to be respectful of my 12-year old.  I acted as cool and aloof as humanly possible, talking only to my friends and just barely peeking at Christiana over my own half-full glass of punch.  In fact, I had no intention of speaking to her at all.  Yet, every half hour or so, there she was, making her way over to where I was standing. 

"Did you see that dress, Mom?" 
"Are you having fun, Mom?"

Really?  She wanted to know if I was having fun?

My children want to know that I'm paying attention, that I've got their back, that I'll protect them, cheer for them, and congratulate them.  They may say they want to do it "all by themselves," as well as assert their independence in other not so subtle ways.  But they'll always be back.  Drawn to me like a magnet to metal, they're always close. 

I, too, want to be assured that someone cares for me, is watching out for me, and loves me unconditionally.

Are you there, God?  It's me...Chantel. 

"Hey, God, I'm going to do this thing my way...but I hope you're there; I hope you're watching.  I hope you'll save me if I fall down.  And God, I really hope you'll bless me even if I do the wrong thing."

Like the Psalmist (like our children), we say, "O Lord, I call to you; come quickly to me.  Hear my voice when I call to you" (Psalm 141:1).

I want to do it all by myself, and I also want the strength of God.  I want both.  I need both.

Psalm 139:7-10
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.

Thank God. 

Thank God for those verses as well as the promise of Psalm 73:23-24:  Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand.  You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory.

Thank God, that even though one day my children may leave my home for good, they won't be far from God.  So now, when I clasp their tiny hands and look into their eyes, I hope they see God's reflection in mine.  I hope that even though they push me away, I'll take advantage of all those little moments that I unexpectedly get back--moments when they come running into my arms--happy or hurt or excited or angry--I want them to see God in me and know that like him, yes, I'm still here.  As he guides me with his counsel, so as their parent, I am instructed to do the same for them.

I'm still here.

 

Think About It!

"Go get your Rapunzel costume," I told my youngest daughter this morning.

"No, Mommy.  I'm not wearing it.  I want to be a cheerleader today."

I was mildly irritated.  I spent a pretty penny on Rapunzel, and this was the second day in a row Cari Jill had had the opportunity to get our money's worth.  Instead, she decided to be something else, simply because she could.

Because Rapunzel was for Halloween.
And anyway she couldn't dance in Rapunzel.
And she didn't want to use bobby pins to attach the wig to her head.
And it was hard to buckle the car seat in that big dress.
And she didn't want to step on the hem during the school's parade of costumes. 

Obviously, she had really thought through the costume dilemma.

As the little cowboys, pirates, firefighters, princesses, doctors, and cheerleaders filed past, I smiled and waved.  Their precious costumes brought back fond memories of my older children and my childhood.  Dressing up and pretending to be something awesome made for adventurous times.

My rugrats began planning their elaborate ensembles at the beginning of September.  And it's no wonder.  Almost as soon as summer ended, the dentist, teachers, neighbors, and even the family exterminator began asking them what they planned to be. Similarly, when someone meets my kids for the first time, a common question is often, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"  And now that I'm a grown-up one of the first questions strangers ask me is, "So, what do you do"?

I hate that question, and it's not because I don't have an answer.  I certainly DO!  I'm an investment manager, mentor,  professor, personal chef, innovator, and change agent.  What I do on a daily basis impacts the future of infinite generations.  So it's not what I DO that leaves me stuttering; it's explaining what I do.  You see, what I do is intentional, intuitive, purposeful, and most of all, reflective.

Notice that I said REFLECTIVE, not reflexive. 

How we think and what we think about determines who we will become in a world that defines us primarily by what we do.

Our thoughts are private, secret waterfalls.  They build strength as information assimilation accumulates.  Our dreams can alter our belief system to direct the progress of our lives.   That's why our family spends time talking about the issues that affect us.  We ask questions like:

Why?
How?
Tell me more.

Do we always get back an answer that we like?  Heck, sometimes I don't get an answer at all!  But I'll take a mumble or a grunt for now.  These kids are my work in progress.   It's unacceptable to say, "I don't know."  That phrase is akin to "I don't think".    And I know that's not true.  Kids are always thinking.  Sometimes, I bet their little noggins are whispering, "My mother's a lunatic."  Oh, well, I'll take it.  At least they're thinking.

Our brain consists of about one billion neurons. Each neuron forms about 1,000 connections to other neurons, amounting to more than a trillion connections. If each neuron could only help store a single memory, running out of space would be a problem. You might have only a few gigabytes of storage space, similar to the space in an iPod or a USB flash drive. Yet neurons combine so that each one helps with many memories at a time, exponentially increasing the brain’s memory storage capacity to something closer to around 2.5 petabytes (or a million gigabytes). For comparison, if your brain worked like a digital video recorder in a television, 2.5 petabytes would be enough to hold three million hours of TV shows. You would have to leave the TV running continuously for more than 300 years to use up all that storage.  (http://blog.growingleaders.com/leadership/help-my-brain-is-full/)  Wow!  There's no excuse for not being able to think!

Our kids can be anything they want, but I just want them to be able to think.  I want them to work hard to understand the world, to discover ways to make it better, to be brave enough to implement their ideas, and strong enough to innovate when failure prevails.  Cari Jill changed her mind about her costume.  I'm glad.  She just proved to me that she knows how to think.  She's not afraid to share her opinion.  She's human.  Her ability to DO is magnified because of her capacity to THINK.

My Parenting Epiphany

Last night, we were talking about wise choices.  The discussion that centered on wise choices inevitably lead to a discussion on helping children make them and that of course lead to a general wail of "But how do we do THAT'?  Some in our group were of the opinion that children need to "sow their wild oats", so to speak, and so learn from their mistakes.  After all, if they never flirt with danger how in the world will they know that this is the very thing they need to avoid in the future?

Friends, this kind of thinking is flawed and misguided.  To assume that children need to mess up and fess up in order to clean their act up is a dangerous game indeed.   I, for one, was one of those dorky kids that did not do stupid things growing up.  And I assure you that never once have I looked back on my "boring" childhood and ever wished that I participated in any of the activities that my friends now remember as regrets.  I used to think that the world was made up of good kids and bad kids and if you were a good parent (whatever that means) you would generally end up with good kids, although from what I had personally witnessed a sour one might sneak into the mix every now and again. 

Proverbs 13:20 says, "He who walks with the wise grows wise, but the companion of fools suffers harm".  A fool is someone who knows the difference between right and wrong, but does not care.  In my work with both middle and high school students over the last ten years, I can attest to the fact that quite often they will say out loud these exact words:  "I know I shouldn't do that, but I DON'T CARE"!  These words would break my heart, yet I did not know how to counter them.  Most teenagers have no comprehension of future consequences and their limited life experience gives them a false sense of security in a world where one choice can bring infinite grief and sometimes even death.  I could ask them to hold onto the promise, but I couldn't make them do it.

How, then, as a teenager myself was I able to look beyond what was happening to me in the moment and cling to the promises found in God's word?  Well, for one, I was lucky enough to have Christian parents myself.  My parents not only instilled in me the difference between right and wrong, but they also modeled Christian living in our home.  They did not misuse the name of the Lord our God, covet, or lie.  They remembered the Sabbath and kept it holy.  They honored God above all else.  So, even though I couldn't look to my own life experience and glean wisdom from that, I could look to theirs.  I could emulate the people who were a little farther down the path than me.  If heeding God's word worked for them, then certainly it could work for me, right?

The second thing I did pertains to the following verse:  "I have hidden your word in my heart that I might not sin against you" (Psalm 119:11).  Opening up the Bible, reading it and understanding it was encouraged early on in my young life.  Over and over again, as temptations badgered me, I could pull from the scripture that was imprinted on my heart.  Deuteronomy 11:18-20 says, "Fix these words of mine in your hearts and minds; tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads.  Teach them to your children, talking about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.  Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates".  God's word was in me, so thus that was what came out of me.

 Let me be the first to assure you that like everyone else in the world, I am not perfect.  I never will be.  That is the consequence of living in a fallen world.  I, am, however, forgiven, and the grace of God continues to work in my life that I may ever strive to serve him.  More importantly, I work to ensure that the children I have been blessed with raising will grow up understanding these principles.  As a parent, that's all I can do--model Christ's love for me by loving them unconditionally and impressing on them his word as found in the instruction manual he gives us for our lives, The Holy Bible.  My ongoing prayer is that as their circle of influence widens and they are faced with challenging situations that they will intuitively know to look to God's word and look to me.  The wise choice will thus become the easy choice to make.  It's a cognizant act of intention every single day.